It's coming together. I completed the second third of my short film. Have a look:
NOTES TO MYSELF:
Few of the comments I got from my mentor were concerning the framing of the first two new scenes (090 & 100). In scene 090, Bishop's head is chopped off at the top. Not a good shot, he was saying, if we're seeing him in this position for the first time. In scene 100, it appears that the frame is resting on the top of his head. Those can easily be fixed. He also said since scene 100 is her POV, I need a bit of camera movement to show that we are seeing what she is seeing. So the camera will be doing a slight pan from one eye to the other.
The other thing was something I asked him about. The timing from scene 130 to 140 seemed too quick. He suggested I hold on Bishop's expression in scene 130. Hold it for the entire scene. Maybe have the flower drop out of his mouth here instead of him spitting it out later. (I really like that idea because I don't think the second girl would have found "that" cute if she's been watching him this whole time.) I also needed to stress that we are seeing what the husband is seeing. He said the husband and baby should be in the scene, close to camera, and our camera looking over their shoulder. That's exactly what I was thinking a while back. Had I thrown that in, it would have been perfect. So I hold on his expression in S130 and then cut to S140 with him already in frame getting ready to sit down. This will help keep the second girl hidden until the end. Bishop also needs to keep looking forward as he enters, and the camera angles needs to change so we can see his eyes. They are at the very top of the frame and that is where the action is. I will be trying a few camera moves to see which one works better.
Finally, when Bishop enters in scene 140, the second girl should be typing away on her computer. She could have her head down, maybe looking up real quick, or vice-versa, and mover her arms to simulate typing.