"Looking For Love" Video Pitch - Take 2

Here is my second pitch for "Looking For Love". In tonight's Q&A I was put on the spot to pitch one of my stories. I decided to go with this one since I can definitely see a beginning, middle, and ending I really like. My mentor liked the first pitch but I had to get it down to the bare minimum. I was explaining a lot of unnecessary information. What he wanted was just the action happening on the screen. So I took out all the details about emotions and feeling and just pitched the animation. Also, I was able to get it under a minute. I'm not sure if it was of the story or that I was talking a bit fast. I also feel I "raised the stakes" since I now have the first girl actually making eye contact with Bishop, where as before she never noticed him at all.

Here is the story I pitched:

Bishop is in a Cafe viewing his personals page on his laptop. Zero matches and zero profile views. He looks over his laptop and sees a woman smiling in his direction. He smiles back. Now she is blowing kisses in his direction. He looks around and sees noone. He grabs the flower from his table (all Cafe tables have little vases with flowers), puts it in his mouth, gets up and walks over to her table. He sits down in front of her. She then looks him in the eye and spins her laptop around to reveal her husband and baby on the screen the whole time. The flower wilts in his mouth. He gets up and goes sit back at his table. He spits the flower out. Just then his laptop beeps with an instant message that reads, "I thought that was romantic." He looks around and sees noone. The girl that sent the instant message is sitting behind him working on her laptop. She gets up and sits at Bishop's table.